"If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective." ~Unknown
I am always the designated driver. I prefer being in control of when I arrive and when I leave. And, to be honest, I never enjoyed the taste of alcohol, so it seems like a win-win situation.
Some years ago I found myself in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. I believed that if he spent enough time around me—saw the joy I found without the need for substances, felt the love I gave—he would stay sober. But I didn’t realize how much I was trying to control him.
I was frustrated with his victim mentality, constantly blaming others for his situation. Yet I didn’t see that his behavior mirrored my own need for control and judgment. I wanted him to adopt my version of joy, but I wasn’t living in alignment with my true self either.
Pain as a Reflection of Ourselves
The pain I experienced wasn’t just because I loved him. It was because he wasn’t behaving the way I wanted. I wasn’t upset because he was using substances; I was upset because I thought I knew a better path, and he wasn’t following it. His pain from shame and self-judgment reflected the same shame I carried for not being where I thought I should be in life.
I carried the burden of our relationship—taking on a responsibility he never asked for—and I judged myself for it.
It wasn’t until I gave up trying to change him that I found peace. The realization hit me: I wasn’t in pain because I couldn’t help him. I was in pain because I couldn’t control him. And that need for control was rooted in my own dissatisfaction with my life.
The Power of Acceptance
When I accepted him for who he was, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I let go of the idea that I could save him and instead began to focus on accepting myself. I started meditating daily, connecting to my own truth, and slowly, the burden I had carried transformed into something lighter.
The more I loved myself, the clearer it became: I couldn’t change him, and that was okay. I realized it wasn’t my place to dictate his choices. Instead, I focused on making my own healthier decisions. As I grew in self-awareness and self-love, I found it easier to create boundaries. I decided to remove myself from the environment, and that decision brought me peace.
Over time, our lives naturally grew apart. While we remained friends, the distance between our journeys became more evident. I came to understand that we all seek relief in different ways when we experience dissonance between where we are and where we want to be. For him, it was through substances. For me, it was through self-discovery.
This man, this relationship, became one of my greatest teachers.
Steps to Find Your Own Peace
If you’re waiting for someone else to change while feeling miserable in the process, here are some steps that helped me find peace:
- Realize that the only person you can change is yourself.
You can guide, inspire, and support others, but lasting change only happens when someone chooses it for themselves. - Accept responsibility for your part in the situation.
This situation didn’t just happen to you. You chose to be in it. When you recognize your role, you empower yourself to shift your thoughts, reactions, and decisions. - Accept the person as they are, where they are.
By embracing the present, you stop dwelling on the past and imagining a future that may never happen. Acceptance frees you from blame and worry. - Connect with the feeling of relief.
At the core, even when someone is making unhealthy choices, they’re often just trying to feel better. Acknowledge their search for relief and give yourself the same understanding. - Write down your dreams and preferences.
Focusing on your own inner world can shift your energy. Get clear on what brings you joy and how you choose to live your life. Define what’s healthy for you and align your actions with that. - Be consistent in your practice.
Over time, either the situation will shift, or you’ll find yourself naturally moving on. Energy always flows to what’s aligned with your inner truth.
A Lesson in Alignment
Through this experience, I learned to listen to my true self, to dream big, and to let go of what no longer served me. It led me to new opportunities. I’m grateful for every part of the journey—especially the challenging moments—because they pushed me to find clarity and self-acceptance.
Now, when old patterns of thinking creep up, I visualize blowing up balloons, placing those thoughts inside them, and letting them float away. It’s a practice of release, done with a smile, in my favorite chair.